Growing seeds

Today marks the beginning of something new in —a change that I’ve often shied away from but now feel compelled to embrace. I’ve noticed a pattern within myself: I usually get really excited when life presents a new opportunity at me, I feel the urgent need to participate, to be part of a group, a project or do a task and I instantly start to imagine myself doing it. It’s like I create a new version of myself that I like, thinking about the new skills that I might acquire, the new fun memories I’m going to make. But the initial excitement and enthusiasm is swiftly followed by a gradual retreat as challenges emerge, a routine and repetition are established. Now it starts to get an arduous task that I have to take on, something I try to push to the back of my mind. At the end of the long to-do list. I find excuses not to do it or convince myself otherwise. I start subconsciously looking for a substitute, something else to get lost in.  It’s a cycle I’ve grown accustomed to, a familiar dance of anticipation and avoidance.  

Is it perhaps the fear of failure, the fear that expectations will not be met, that reality will not match the perfect image? Why do I have these mechanisms, how can I change them? As I find myself in unfamiliar surroundings, I’m confronted with questions that demand answers. Who am I? What do I want to become? And perhaps most importantly, how do I navigate the path to get there?

In this moment of introspection, I realize that I am my own permaculture project—a garden of potential waiting to be cultivated. And just as a gardener, I must observe my patterns, nurture what needs attention, and let go of what no longer helps me. I want to stop making false promises to myself and the people around me and start to only take responsibility for the thing I have the ability to take care of. And I think I have an idea of where to start.

Really small, with tiny seeds that hold the promise of growth. Back home the only plant that could survive my neglect was cactus, a sturdy plant that can withstand heat and drought. In this new environment I am in right now, I am determined to do things differently. Inspired by someone whose meticulous care, passion and attention to detail I deeply admire, I am taking on the responsibility of nurturing these seeds.

Today, I carefully tucked them into their earth beds in the nursery, ensuring they were well-watered and labelled. It’s just the first step in a journey that will require dedication and commitment. I’ll need to return regularly to water and tend to them, ensuring their survival until it’s time to plant them.

But the process doesn’t end there, his is the first step of many steps I’m committed to seeing it through—to caring for these seeds as they grow, to harvesting their fruits, and to witnessing the cycle of growth first hand. In doing so I hope to learn a lot about myself and my capabilities.

So, here’s to new beginnings and the potential they hold—starting with a few tiny seeds with the power to grow into something beautiful.